Hello friends,

Thank you again for your patience.  I know you are probably all waiting on pins and needles to find out how I am doing.  My apologies as I really have not had the energy to check nor compose emails the past few days.

First of all, I want to share that I did not have to have the chest catheter.  This is such a relief!  The Dr. canceled it about 5pm Thursday, July 30. 2009. I was ecstatic! I only have to have one hole in me! I kept thinking– how am I going to wash my hair?  You laugh- it’s true.  Where the catheter would be placed- one could not take showers and get the area wet.  Since the insides of me are not doing so well, the least I can do, is look pretty good on the outside (having clean hair); especially since many of you want to visit me.

Some more good news- as nervous as I was about the procedure as I hated the thought of having more holes in me with an IV ,since my previous not so good experience, and I am just not a person that enjoys being in pain- my blood pressure was on the normal to low side.  I couldn’t believe it- 127/83 and after the surgery, it was like 116/75!  You have no idea how long it’s been since I have had numbers like this!

So after making it home; feeling very groggy and not quite sure of state of mind- I crawl my way upstairs to bed.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open, yet I hurt so bad that it was hard to sleep comfortably.  Do you know what it’s like to only to be able to sleep on your back?  Do you have any idea how much you use your stomach muscles to get in and out of bed?  Lord give me strength!

It’s Sunday afternoon, and I am tired of being in bed and i was in the mood for some comedy.  I scrolled through the guide and saw that in a few minutes, the movie Stepbrothers would be showing.  Now, I love comedy- and they say laughter is the best medicine.  Well, not so much when you have had surgery in your abdominal region.  I suffered through the hilarious movie and seriously had to cover my mouth to keep myself from laughing out loud- the pain was too much.

My wonderful dad, walks in front of me down the steps, protecting me, just in case I am dizzy and cannot walk too straight. He caters to my every need. Another example, we had grilled steak the other night- I was struggling cutting my meat- my dad reached over, took my plate; and cut up my meat.  Talk about extreme humility. It’s still so strange to not be able to do these simple things.

I had my first appointment at the dialysis clinic yesterday (Monday)- after signing my life away a couple dozen times, I went to one of the back rooms and was trying to learn what’s next. The nurse there, I have to tell you, she’s great!  She reminds me of “Frenchie” in Grease.  It cracks me up. She needed to change my bandages and to test out my catheter. Every time one does any touching with the catheter, anyone and everyone in the room has to wear a mask.  It’s to keep the area as sterile as possible, avoiding any possible infections. The nurse was talking to me trying to keep me distracted- I was curious to see this object inside me; now I wish I hadn’t watched as I cannot get that graphic image out my mind.  Do you know what it’s like to see like a bee bee sized hole inside you with a clear straw that is sticking out of your stomach?  I held back the tears.  I have to say, it really hit me and it sunk it that all is this real and actually happening.

Now, the testing of the tube– all the nurse needed to do was do a test flushing of the catheter, to make sure it works. Her exact words were: “now, it’s going to feel a little funny.”  It’s always interesting to interpret other peoples use of words.  Funny?  I would not say that it felt, funny.  Honestly, I cannot express the feeling- it was Not something I expected! It was an uncomfortable feeling- like someone was putting a great deal of pressure on me and it also stung. My eyes got really big and the nurse freaked out- “don’t look at me like that, Carmen!”  Then, came the too familiar feeling of passing out.  The room is starting to get darker, I am beginning to sweat.  I had to speak up and let the nurse know– I wanted to rip off the mask; but I couldn’t.  I just closed my eyes and starting praying Lord help me through this, please!

It took a long time for me to get to sleep last night- I kept replaying things over and over in my head and questioning how I am going to get through this? I can only imagine what Jesus Christ had face as he was begging God not to let him die on the cross.  I was begging God to take the images from my mind, to give me peace to sleep, and to not let me continue this suffering.

To wrap things up– I am still working on my face book page- I hope to have it “published” very soon.  I have received a couple great ideas for names- please keep them coming.  My brain is not working at it’s full creative capacity as my body is full of toxins.  I have received several comments how talented I am at writing… well, I am very blessed and will give this new adventure some serious thought and prayer.

I am still waiting to hear from KU Med and moving forward with the process of transplant-  I do know that if you are highly considering being tested, please give blood at the community center to find out your blood type. If you already know, that is great.

Please continue to pray for strength, wisdom, peace, healing, and for a perfectly matched donor.

I would love to know what is going on with each of you! Please don’t feel obligated that you have to reply to my emails- I write them to let a few hundred people know the status of things. If you don’t want to be updated, please let me know, too.  I promise I will not be offended.

Blessings to you and yours,

Carmen